Autism and Intimacy: Sensory Issues, Romance, and Myths

By Rose Lauren Hughes, 30-something AuDHD gay female**

I woke up today and said to myself: “Ah, Valentine's Day, 14th February ... Okay that yearly Hallmark Cards day is approaching again. Good thing the newest Bridget Jones movie is coming out too, because I am her, and she is me. And I'm okay with that.”

With Valentine’s Day around the corner, the pressure to celebrate love and intimacy can feel overwhelming. For many Autistic people, these societal expectations, laden with stereotypes about romance, sex, and relationships, can feel particularly tricky to navigate. 

The intersection of autism and intimacy brings unique challenges and joys, influenced by sensory experiences, personal boundaries, and often a very different approach to connection.

Let’s explore how autism can affect intimacy, breaking down myths and celebrating the diversity of how Autistic people experience love and intimate relationships.

Myths About Autism and Intimacy

Let’s start by addressing a common myth: that Autistic people aren’t interested in relationships or connection. Whether someone is Autistic, allistic (non-autistic), or somewhere in between, intimacy is as varied as the people experiencing it.

Another myth we hear a lot about is that Autistic people don’t want or need romantic relationships. Actually, Autistic individuals often desire romantic relationships just as much as anyone else. Many Autistic people deeply value meaningful relationships and actively seek companionship, love, and intimacy. 

The way they pursue or experience relationships may differ due to sensory preferences, communication styles, or social processing, but this doesn’t mean they lack interest or need for connection. For example, romantic gestures might take unique forms for us. Offering a meaningful object, like a favourite pebble, or creating a sensory-friendly environment can speak volumes about how much we care.

You may also have been told that Autistic people are too rigid for healthy relationships. Now, while routine and predictability can be important for some Autistic people, this doesn’t mean they’re incapable of adapting to the dynamics of a relationship. In fact, many Autistic individuals bring honesty, thoughtfulness, and unique perspectives that enhance their partnerships. With open communication, both partners can navigate change and compromise effectively.

Autism, Sensory Issues, and Intimacy

As we know, sensory processing is one of the characteristics us ASD folk often struggle with. The sights, sounds, smells, and textures in an environment can deeply impact how we feel, sometimes more than people realize.

For me, sensory sensitivities can either enhance or derail an intimate moment. Bright lights, strong perfumes, scratchy fabrics, or cluttered spaces can make it nearly impossible to relax. Back when I still dated men, I found it really uncomfortable if they hadn’t recently shaved. The sensation of the bristles against my skin literally had me disengaging and needing space instantly. 

On the other hand, familiar scents, clean sheets, soft lighting, or the quiet hum of background music can create a space where I feel safe and comfortable. This is likely also why I have found intimacy easiest with both a fellow neurodiverse partner, and women, because we can silently understand each other, and find safe common ground that leaves space for us both to feel calm. 

Over my adult years I’ve realised I really like the feeling of cold metal. Some Autistic people find that a specific sensory-seeking behavior is satisfying or calming in their day-to-day life. That can carry over into the bedroom, where it can help ground them during an intense sensory experience.

Every Autistic person’s sensory profile is different, so what works for one person might not work for another. The key is communication, sharing what makes us comfortable and listening to our partners’ needs. 

Autism and Sex Drive

Another layer to intimacy is the relationship between autism and sexual desire. This is as varied as it is for neurotypical people, there’s no one-size-fits-all experience. Some Autistic individuals are asexual, meaning they don’t experience sexual attraction, while others may have a typical or even heightened interest in physical intimacy.

High Sex Drive - A Caution

It’s important to acknowledge that young Autistic individuals with heightened sexual interests can sometimes be more vulnerable to exploitation or predatory behavior. This vulnerability often stems from factors like naivety, difficulty recognizing social cues, or challenges in understanding the intentions of others. 

If you are a caregiver, parent, or trusted adult supporting an Autistic child or young person, it’s crucial to remain vigilant and proactive in providing thorough, consent-driven sex education. Their sexual education should include teaching them about boundaries, consent, and potential risks. 

Many Autistic individuals may struggle to advocate for themselves or recognize dangerous situations, so offering guidance and creating open lines of communication can be vital in protecting their safety.

Low Sex Drive

For some of us, societal pressures around sex can be overwhelming. The world often seems to expect everyone to have a high sex drive or to equate intimacy with physical affection, which can leave Autistic people feeling out of step. 

Sometimes, we might feel pressured to engage in situations that don’t align with our needs or comfort levels, especially if masking (hiding parts of our Autistic traits) plays a role in our relationships.

It’s important to remember that everyone’s boundaries and preferences are valid. Autistic people deserve relationships where their needs are respected and celebrated, without the weight of societal expectations.

Romance, Our Way!

Romance often looks different for Autistic people. Popular culture’s portrayal of love is usually grand gestures, elaborate dates, or dramatic declarations. This can feel more overwhelming than romantic. Instead, our expressions of affection might include smaller, deeply meaningful acts.

One example is pebbling (also called penguin pebbling) where some Autistic people show love by giving small but significant items, like a pebble or a trinket tied to a shared experience. These gestures, though subtle, carry immense meaning.

I have a really fond memory of the day I was first told about pebbling. I automatically always bring an item to first dates or to people I care about. As a late diagnosed AuDHD woman, I was unaware that this gifting tendency was actually linked with my ASD. 

Very early into my last relationship, I was travelling and saw a little blue pebble for sale. For some reason I instantly bought it, and on my return gifted it to the woman I was dating. This was maybe, a month in? She later told me about pebbling and I just thought, “Hey this is beautiful. This is something I love about my autism!”

Compliments, too, might take on unique forms. Phrases like “I like how your voice sounds” or “I feel safe around you” are some of the most heartfelt ways we might express affection. 

My saying, “I hate the way people eat, but I don’t mind eating with you” is my own deeply romantic way of loving someone, however humorous that may sound to a neurotypical person. Recognizing and valuing these expressions can help foster deeper connections and mutual understanding.

Sensory Sensitivity and Physical Connection

Touch is another aspect of intimacy that can be influenced by autism. For some of us, physical contact can feel overwhelming or even unpleasant, while others seek specific types of touch for comfort. I can’t tell you how many of my neurodiverse friends tell me that using their partner as a weighted blanket is one of their favourite things to do together, and yet I actually hate this! 

Someone might feel uncomfortable with spontaneous hugs or overly light touches but enjoy firm pressure or simply sitting close to someone. Holding hands is a way I like to show affection, but the second the temperature between us increases or they have cold hands, the quicker that moment is over for me. 

Understanding and respecting these boundaries is essential in any romantic or sexual relationship. When we communicate our needs and preferences, touch becomes a way to build trust and connection rather than a source of discomfort.

Autism, LGBTQIA+, Sexual Orientation & Relationships

Many Autistic people also identify as LGBTQIA+. There’s a beautiful overlap between neurodivergence and queerness, both challenging traditional norms and embracing fluidity in identity, love, and connection.

As someone who is both Autistic and queer, I’ve found freedom in rejecting conventional ideas about relationships and creating my own definitions of romance and intimacy. For many of us, this includes exploring identities, preferences, and ways of loving that feel authentic rather than conforming to societal expectations. I would wish that for anyone.

I danced in and out of the closet since my first realisation about my sexual orientation at just 12 years old, but I have landed happily on the side of my authentic self, and I find it beautiful now. It’s blessed me with such a broader understanding, and acceptance of how diverse this spectrum is for everybody! Although the journey to this place has not always been pleasant, to say the least, I can safely say now that I am my true authentic self.  

Love is what you make it. It’s YOUR decision. As long as people are safe and cared for, they can be whoever they want to be.

A Final Thought

For Autistic people, intimacy often exists outside the bounds of traditional societal norms, and that’s not a bad thing. Whether it’s navigating sensory needs, redefining romance, or exploring unique forms of connection, the key is honoring authenticity and communication. Simply asking and learning what you and your partner(s) like, is a love language in itself.

This Valentine’s Day, let’s celebrate love in all its forms. For some, that might mean candlelit dinners and grand romantic gestures. For others, it could be a quiet moment of connection, a thoughtful gift, or simply creating a space where everyone feels safe and understood. Or maybe, you bond together on your shared dislike of this 14th of February holiday! You do YOU!

Intimacy isn’t about following a script, it’s about connection. And for Autistic people, connection is every bit as real, meaningful, and profound as it is for anyone else.

**Opinions expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of Bened Life.