by Melody Tien Grewal
“My Autistic nervous system is easily overloaded. With dyspraxia too, my body may get aggressively responsive sometimes. When my aggression happens, it should be labelled dysregulation in a perfect world, after the dysregulated nervous system that causes it.
"But let’s face it: having a 250-pound man scream and run at you is scary, both for me and the person trying to calm my body. Giving this kind of action the red-colour label it needs is important so Autistics can get the help we need to demyelinate our unwanted motor responses.”
- Isaiah Tien Grewal, Dyspraxia and Autism: Two Real-Life Perspectives
“Was Iz ever aggressive?” flashed the private chat message. Responses flooded my mind. The answers to that question had been the topic of my family’s most urgent thoughts for the last five years. I asked my son, Isaiah, how he felt about letting others see into this private part of our lives. As usual, he wanted to help.
In late 2020, Isaiah’s six-foot-plus body started slamming doors and hitting my husband’s arms when dysregulated. As the COVID pandemic dragged on, doors started getting slammed so hard that they broke through their frames, and my husband was sometimes in pain for days after an incident, which eventually became hits all over his body.
Two years later, we realized Iz's dysregulation had myelinated into horrific motor loops. This blog details the ideas that helped us crawl out of that dark time. Many of these solutions were suggested by Isaiah himself. Others were adapted from ideas that worked for other families. Some strategies were the result of trial and error as we prayed through the tough moments.
Unwanted motor loops
Saying Autistic people engage in aggression or exhibit aggressive behavior is misleading. They’re actually trapped in motor loops that are just as distressing to act out as they are to witness.
After every explosion, Isaiah was filled with remorse, apologizing to Dad and was sad that he was not able to control his own body. Together with Iz’s reputation for big smiles and a joyful attitude, we knew these actions were unplanned, reflexive, and impulsive motor actions.
It became my full-time job to help Iz break those unwanted motor loops before they myelinated even more and generalized further into our lives. We analyzed those miserable motor chains together as a family, looking for areas to weaken and quash.
Ending unwanted motor loops
Hide
If the unwanted loop ends with hitting, have an exit for every situation. Weaken the loop by not letting it finish on someone. Help your distressed Autistic out by not standing within easy reach while he’s trying to regain control of his body. In our house, we have gone out on our deck, into the garage, or locked our office doors, for example.
Occupy the hands
This idea was Isaiah’s; he told us to give his hands something to do besides hitting. We used maracas, toy guitars, and spinning fidgets. Some of these hand-engagers were portable and useful for public emergencies. Anything that can be safely held and possibly thrown can work.
Once the regulating person sees an unwanted loop starting, slowly give the item and calmly prompt with a verb and its name (“shake maracas” or “spin spinner”).
Be a statue
This idea was inspired by Isaiah’s personal trainer and perfected by my husband, Christian: practice responding to your Autistic’s extreme dysregulation by freezing and doing nothing. We specifically say ‘practice’ because the natural response to someone suddenly screaming or running at you is to flinch or brace.
Standing calmly still when Isaiah's arms could not help flailing seemed to somehow not ‘fan the flame’ and let him work on regaining control of himself faster, without the distraction of trying not to motor-copy us. Perhaps because we often teach ‘good motor’ by asking our Autistics to imitate us, that skill of imitating backfires in dysregulated situations when they copy our flinching with their own sudden movement.
Big reactions from others can cause dysregulated Autistic bodies to experience even bigger feelings and lose even more control. Reduce or eliminate, if possible, demands and prompts when trying to quell dysregulation.
Slowing unwanted motor loops
Change yourself
Autistics can sometimes be rattled if familiar people change their hair length, leave buttons unbuttoned, or have loose threads on their clothing. We used this tendency to give Iz's body a helpful startle at the beginning of an unwanted motor loop.
In the same way that a familiar person can provide safety to continue certain actions, changing one’s look can scramble unwanted actions. Some things that worked for us were funny hats, Dad taking his shirt off, and Dad sprawling himself on the ground.
So, for example, if Dad saw Isaiah’s body starting to dysregulate but no safe exits, Dad might just immediately crouch face-down where he was standing, which surprised Iz’s body enough to weaken the unwanted loop. When it was safe for Dad to leave the room, to further scramble the loop, he might exit crawling backwards.
Slow your movements and speech
We discovered through trial and error that responding at half of Isaiah’s speed could slow his impulsive motor in high-pressure moments. So my husband and I would note Iz’s breathing rate, movements, and speech, and train ourselves to respond at half their speed.
If we continued at half-speed, we noticed that eventually Iz’s body would slow. When Iz’s body slowed, we would respond further at half that new, slower speed. We can help Iz’s body return to a regulated state by guiding his nervous system in this way.
And this half-speed regulation method also works for speech. When Isaiah’s speech is getting louder and less controlled, the worst response is to match its volume and tempo. Dyspraxic bodies need help to regulate.
For example, if Iz's body was scripting intensely, we might play along with the script, but at half-speed and half-volume. Then, split the remaining half into two halves, and continue splitting into halves, until the dysregulated speech stops. Sometimes, it helps quash dysregulated speech to just not respond at all for a while, or slowly leave the room without answering.
Change the environment
Another strategy that works for us is to take Isaiah’s body to new environments. One of our fave new environments is Walt Disney World, where, in Iz’s own words, he can “break motor loops.” Other places that have also worked for us are trips to beach-accessible hotels, ski resorts during off-season, and the Motormorphosis Conference. Other families we know enjoy hikes in different parks, camping trips, and train rides to unfamiliar destinations.
Replacing unwanted motor loops with purposeful actions
Workouts
Four years ago, Isaiah started regular workouts with a professional personal trainer. Like all of us, autistic bodies need to move to stay healthy. But additionally, autistic bodies need exercise with heavy work to stay regulated. Heavy work refers to activities that activate the proprioceptive system (the body’s ability to sense where it is in space). Heavy work includes activities like pushing, pulling, carrying, squeezing, and resistive movements.
Iz’s trainer, Brian, is an essential part of our schedule. In addition to many different types of heavy work, some of the new motor skills Brian has taught Iz are proper gait, improved balance, and increased body control. Iz’s current peace is anchored by Brian’s workouts, which are now four times a week.
New purposeful motor acts
A body can’t do an impulsive motor act if it’s busy doing a purposeful motor act. Gently, regularly, bit by bit, help your Autistic body practice new motor skills. This motor goals blog gives some great ideas to start thinking about your situation. Some current new purposeful motor practice that helps Isaiah is practicing piano, doing crafts at church, and learning chores.
Communication
The undercurrent that never stops flowing new motor actions into our lives to learn is Spelling to Communicate practice. Isaiah’s thoughts guided us throughout this ordeal. He told us what he was feeling and gave us his ideas about how we could help him. And Iz being able to spell to my husband his remorse eased both their hearts and gave Dad a chance to answer Iz’s fears, “I love you, Iz. It’s ok, we’re not gonna give up. God will help us through this.” And for Dad, knowing Iz’s anguish helped him not take hits personally and avoid depression.
Leashing unwanted motor loops
Once your motor loop monsters have been scrambled, slowed, and replaced, keep them permanently leashed with calm nervous systems.
Diet
Isaiah’s body had grown, but the amount of food we fed him had not. Turned out he was not eating enough calories for someone of his height, age, and sex! Increasing his meals decreased his dysregulation. And if your Autistic needs help learning the motor skills to eat new foods, give him that practice. We worked on Iz expanding his food repertoire so he could have a more nutritious diet, which also improved his nervous system regulation.
Temperature
For reasons currently unknown, Isaiah’s body runs really hot. Like, go-to-the-park-in-the-winter-snow-in-shorts hot.
We started using Iz’s regulation as the gauge for setting our home thermostat and discovered that although we were cold, clearly the smiling young man was not! So now my husband and I wear multiple layers indoors year-round, with our thermostat set at 14°C/57°F in winter and 16°C/61°F in summer.
To further cool the air in Iz's room, we put ice packs in front of the fans. And no, we do not care what other people think because we care more that Iz is happy. Maybe one day, researchers will tell us why Iz’s hypothalamus senses temperature differently, but in the meantime, we just use space heaters in our ‘parent rooms.’ In public, Iz uses cold plate neck fans and portable fans to stay cool.
Aromatherapy
We keep an essential oil diffuser on every floor and release eucalyptus, peppermint, or lavender scents at least once a day. Everyone’s mood lifts through aromatherapy, and starting a diffuser and leaving the room is a low-work way to regulate.
Playlists
Play calm music. Our favorite musicians for calming music are Peder B. Helland and Chris Rice. We also play relaxing YouTube videos, such as ‘The Ocean Relaxation Film’ and ‘12 Hours of Relaxing Music for Sleeping, Winter Photos.’ Sometimes we enjoy fine art classical music videos, too. Check out our ‘Iz's Calm Faves’ playlist here! A Bluetooth speaker in Isaiah’s bedroom lets us run music from our phones outside the room, giving Iz privacy as he works to tame his body.
Co-regulating
Good co-regulation is impossible unless my own nervous system is calm. My best calming strategies for myself are naps, earplugs, baths, and restorative yoga. I keep the earplugs in my pockets all day.
If Isaiah’s body starts to dysregulate and I need to help him calm his body, I’ll pop an earplug into one ear to help my own body stay calm. I get anxious around loud noises, so I need earplugs to keep my breathing and heart rate low.
Patience
Lastly, expect to spend about as much time unwinding your motor loops as it took to tighten them. For us, it was two years to our lowest low and three years back to stability.
This blog is dedicated to my friend H who first asked me the question. For her daughter and all our Autistic friends still struggling to tame their motor loop monsters, please know we’re thinking of you. I hope one of our ideas might work for you, and that you’ll find some relief soon, no improvement being too small to celebrate. Never give up – we’re rooting for you!
If you have also successfully tamed some of your unwanted motor loops, let’s help each other out! Please comment below on what worked for your family.
Additional resources for calming nervous systems:
Autism in Polyvagal Terms: New Interventions and Possibilities
About the author
Melody Tien Grewal, CPA, MBA, is Isaiah's mom, Christian's wife, a tax accountant, and a Neurodiversity and Disability Advocate at Bened Life. Her family is featured in the University of Toronto Magazine and on Bened Life’s About Us page.
